Australia On The World Stage :

Written By: Nude For Satan

Captivated by the exotic beauty of Australia? Enraptured with images of kangaroos, coral reefs, suntan and fuzzy bears? Want to know more about the Land Down Under?

Well, hold up a second. Yeah its a pretty spiffy place, but be careful of exactly how high up you get your hopes! By all means, come visit! But just keep in mind the following :

A) We are part of the Coalition of the Willing. Yes, fer yer. I think we sent two canoes and a crate full of slingshots.
B) If you are American, feel secure that we'll generally receive you well, but there is a bit of :
- I suggest you use a download site to find Rodney Rude's "McDonalds". I highly recommend it!
- Search for the lyrics to TISMs "Kill Americans".
C) Even if you're not American, we still think you're pretty stupid!
- Check a google search for "tourist questions australia" .. you'll know the one I'm talking about!
D) Travelling around the countryside? Aware how big this island really is? Lets be clear, do you want really want to be on foot with a backpack, thumbing a lift, through a USA-sized (true!) place fullah this : (Yes, inspired by true events).
E) Are you a white, heterosexual male? You might want to hope so!
- A White Australia Policy existed in Australia until the 1950s! In Tasmania, soldiers once formed a line and traversed the entire state, killing all aborigines with a view to, yep, genocide.
- Tasmania only repealed anti-homosexuality laws (that would see you in jail for bowel-prowling!) about a decade ago!
- And in a court case not too many years ago, a man, who espied a woman asleep in her home, broke in and raped her, was set free without charge and wished good luck by the judge!.
F) Kangaroos, yeah. We love them. For breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just not alive. Koalas? They wet themselves like excited schoolkids. Tasmanian Devils (yes its based on a real animal)? Dying out from an elephant man disease. Tasmanian Tigers? Extinctamundo.
G) Oh and we also have some of the highest rates of asthma, diabetes and skin cancer in the world!

Of course its not all bad news! It is a beautiful country, there's plenty to do and some pretty amazing flora, fauna and landscape. Arts, sports, tourism, all shit-hot, as we like to say. Locals are generally friendly (notwithstanding the above warnings). You do not need to be either rich or your boss' handmaiden to get medical cover here! We have lots of dangerous animals but people very rarely get knocked on the head by any of them. They aren't common in populated areas and there are good warnings, information kits, and medical options in worst case scenarios.
Mind you, the safest place to be with regard to Australia, is probably in Alpha West zone with me trying and failing to kill yer!

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